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Ok, so if you are reading this, there is a part of you that read the title and thought, "whoa, am I healed?" Great, that is EXACTLY why I want to speak to this!
I honestly COULD NOT WAIT to write this post and share it with you! I want to shout it from the friggin rooftops to everyone one of my friends, loved ones, men and women!
It all started as I was randomly scrolling Facebook and saw a post! It didn't really click until I was on my way down to Houston and It was like WISDOM BOMB just went off in my head!
"Are you healed or are you just distracted?"
It put WORDS to my life's experience. I felt so seen by that post I cried on my drive down! Not sad tears, but tears of relief! It was like a lightbulb had just lit up an entire corridor of my memories and showed them not as they had been hidden, full of shame and guilt, but as a woman craving healing - and crazily enough...thinking she WAS actually healed!
And this isn't specific to any one area of my life...it was fully encompassing!
Body image, body dysmorphia, negative self-talk, relationships (oh we'll jump into that in a second) of all kinds; family, friends, ex's, toxic lifestyle choices... you name it, there was a point in the last six years where I thought I was "healed" and the choices I made was because I was...couldn't have been because I was hurting so much that I did everything but actually dig into the messy that comes into a truly enlightened life.
We'll take one specific example of my Ex, Mr. B. Mr. B. was toxic, we were toxic for each other, there is a burden on both of us for choices we made while we were(weren't) together. That being said, Mr. B. and I went our separate ways in life and I "healed." Or, I thought I did. I spent the next four years "healing." I was single and thought that just because I finally didn't think about him every day meant I had FINALLY moved on. I was kicking ass at work, my spiritual life was finding a sense of peace, I was apart of a Narrative-Based Traumatic Counseling Training...I mean from the outside looking in...I was killin' it... and again, was healed up! Ready to bring that next special someone into my life.. I was in the clear.
HA.
Mr. B-point-2 pops up into my life to shoot that belief straight down the damn drain. Everything I had grown to become gets put on hold. My self-esteem takes a hit, I put my spiritual life on the backburner, I craved his attention more than my own self-worth...it was like I was 16 again and had landed in an alternate reality, yet here I was at 25 caught up in the very relationship I fought so hard to "heal" from...
Here is what lighting up that dark hidden corridor showed me. It showed me I was hurting. I craved acceptance and love but so desperately wanted it from a guy, I would lose myself to gain him. I distracted myself by doing what many would say any young-twenty something would; I drank and made stupid decisions and tossed it off as "healing."
So I am asking you.... are you Healed? Or are you just distracted?
Distraction isn't just binge drinking to forget your latest screw up at work or fight with an ex you can't seem to say goodbye to...a distraction can run deeper. It can be working out, a healthy outlet that turns destructive because of a pain you aren't ready to face. It can be eating, over-restrictive dieting. It can be Netflix binge-a-thons every night. Your distraction is your key to finding your healing!
A couple of things I learned that help me:
1. Healing is messy. It is not an overnight, you wake up the next morning, and just like a Charcoal Facemask, you can peel off your pain...No, it is looking in the mirror and even if you don't believe it yet, telling yourself you are beautiful as tears run down your face because you can't see a day where you will believe it.
2. Healing is not linear. For so many years I thought I had crossed a finish line and made it to the other side of pain. Healing is like a circle ramp in a parking garage...soon as you reach one level, the second you take a step to move up, there is something else that will always be shown to you!
3. Healing isn't pass/fail. It is a journey of finding peace in the pain. Peace that it is messy. That there isn't a finish line. Healing is a constant choice we can choose to make every day.
So my prayer for each and every one of you tonight is that you find true healing. You get clarity of your distractions and find healthy outlets to gain freedom from your pain.
Thanks for reading!
-A
*Remember, you are never alone. We all fight different battles and it is okay to not know or be fearful of change...If you are ready to start a journey towards physical, spiritual and/or mental wellness - send me a message, follow me on Social Media @peaceloveaggie and send me a DM! Like High School Musical puts so eloquently...We are all in this together!
