My Rock Bottom

So I just spent the last thirty minutes talking to my mom; aren't moms great...shout out to all the badass mom's out there!

Ok, so here it goes: From the outside looking in, I am helping my dad with business and several patents we have in process, I have my Real Estate License here in Palestine, I am working out, mostly, and blogging/vlogging. Cool, right? This is how I feel about it... I left my job without having a "real" job lined up. Which is scary. I moved home, halfway anyways. I am more broke than I have been in a very long time (yes I understand "broke" to you and to me may mean two different things). I am struggling with purpose and passion and goals and aspirations. Just FUCK, man.

So after all that crap in my head, ultimately my conversation with my mom led me realizing I am CONSUMED by fear... let's take a second and go through the things I am afraid of:

• Fear of money...making it means I'll lose it, means I'll be broke...etc If I am really real with you, there are times I don't even look at my bank account cause If I don't look at it, I don't feel bad about how I handle money.

• Fear of being perceived as a failure....I mean according to social media, if you aren't rocking a six back and making six figures and jetting off around the world every month, are you EVEN relevant (Friends reference LOL)

• Fear of Going for it...let's be honest, if I go for "it" (whatever it is, still working on that part) and I fail, the "I told you so's" won't be far behind, right?

• Fear of success...somehow, for one reason or another, if I get REAL honest, every time I start seeing some ounce of success I self-sabotage it. I let my foot off the gas, I start finding reasons why that thing is too good to be true, you name it, I do it.

• Fear of faith...this one probably sounds strange...it is kinda weird writing it even. But having faith means you give up control, it means you believe, wholeheartedly, that something bigger than you has your best interests at heart and working everything for good.

Fear is what is holding me back and I believe fear is the reason I am even in this position. Rock bottoms look different for everyone. I have had a couple in my life. Some deeper than others but I think this is the first one where I have recognized this "bottom" as a growth opportunity. Opportunity to take real control of my well-being from the inside out. Not some superficial, what's the next mediocre step I can take, settle for something that isn't right just because of some self-serving desire to feel better in the shortest amount of time possible vibe, but an honest to goodness, spiritual revelation that starts with my heart and soul.

This rock bottom is different for me. I am not sinking into old habits, finding myself depressive or overly emotional. I am surrounded by love every day. I have a roof over my head, food to eat and am in a town that is making me slow down...in more ways than just my driving. It is giving me a chance to renew my faith in a deeper way. It is different this time. Maybe this is that moment, that year, that post that I look back on in 5 years and say "That was point in my life where everything changed." Maybe it isn't, but I do know this, I will use this time to be patient and trust the process.

So how am I going to overcome these fears? My next video I am going to share with you how! I won't let these fears control me. I refuse. I am not my mistakes, I am not my parents mistakes, and I am more than my fears!

I chose to write this blog instead of vlog it because my words just flowed today and If I am honest, I felt more secure behind the screen bearing my soul than in front of it. haha.

Love to hear from you, what are some fears you are struggling with? As always, thank you for showing up!

Peace and love,

-A